The Rules of the MBTA

For most people living in the Boston area, their primary mode of transportation is the Massachusetts Bay Transport Authority, or, as most refer to it as simply, the T. The T is a system of trains, busses, and trolleys that travel throughout the bay area which are available for people to pay a small price to ride as an alternative to using their own vehicles. Despite the lack of cleanliness, abundance of homeless people, and revolting smell, there is a certain etiquette involved with riding the T that, although previously unwritten, is not only essential in order for survival on the T, but also vital for keeping those around you from murder charges and blood stained clothes. The following is a boiled down list of rules that, if followed correctly, will make your life and the lives of those around you a lot better on the T

1) Don’t ask questions- Whether it be to the person selling the tokens or to the person driving the vehicle, if you’re asking questions you’re in everyone’s way of getting on the train faster. The types of questions that are asked of the train conductors/token sellers can always be answered by the person posing the question. For example: “which line do I get on to get to Fenway?” “Ma’am, you can find that out by simply looking at the colossal, color coded, multi lingual map that is directly behind you, as well as the millions of signs that direct you on how to get to Fenway.” Another common question: “is this a Braintree train?” “Well sir, since it says Braintree on the side in bright bold letters, and since when I pulled in I said ‘Braintree train, this is a Braintree train,’ I think its safe to say that this train is going to Etobicoke, just outside of Toronto.” Questions such as these slow down the boarding process and also speaks volumes about your unintelligibility, due to your inability to read a map of a subway system which nobody has had a problem figuring out since its opening in 1897.

2) Walk faster- if you have any condition where you can’t walk at a fast pace, either don’t ride public transportation, stand to the side and wait for the crowd of people that are trying to get to work to go by, or get
used to your head being on the ground and a shoe being firmly pressed against the top of it. We’re very important people that need to get to work, floors won’t mop themselves.

3) Seats are anyone’s for the taking- if you can’t stand for the length of your ride you shouldn’t be on the train, with the exception of pregnant people and elderly people (unless, of course, the elderly person is foreign, in which case they should be thankful they only have to stand in order to get to their destination, instead of walking there with no shoes like in the old country). Also, being fat is not an excuse for needing a seat, just because your
knees may buckle under the pressure of your body doesn’t mean my knees should have to get tired. In fact the proper etiquette would be for a fat person to stand at all times, instead of taking up several seats. Riding the T is not very enjoyable as it is, if the person next to you has their elbows pressed into your gut then there’s a good chance they may just take a bout out of you; not only because they are angry, but because you deserve it.

4) Don’t talk- You’re friends don’t like it when you talk, what makes you think all the poor people surrounding you want to hear you opinions on the longevity of the Hubble telescope? Having a loud conversation will end with you being served the third rail for dinner with a side of slaw, that’s right, you sicken me to the point where I won’t even give you cole to go with the slaw.

5) Don’t make eye contact with anybody- making eye contact is taken as disrespect and will end with you either bleeding, unconscious, both at the same time, or both separately for that matter.

6) Don’t fall asleep- without individual arm rests it is inevitable that once you fall asleep you will start leaning on the person next to you. Most see a stranger falling asleep on them as an open invitation to
lick your ear and steal your wallet/identity/anal virginity (or lack there of!)

7) Don’t start shuffling towards the door while the train is still moving- When the train stops there is ample time for you to get to the doors before they open, there is no need to attempt to get closer to the door while the train is still moving. It is inevitable that you will lean against someone causing them to be very angry and most likely
pull your eyelids off in a fit of rage. Is it really necessary that you’re five steps closer for when the door opens? You people are like pit bulls.

8) Move all the way into the car- you’re a heaping bag of douche if you didn’t already know this, but sadly it had to be included because nobody fucking does it

9) Push and shove and cram against people until you fit in, even when the driver says there is another train right behind this one, don’t let back, he’s a filthy liar.

10) Always wear a condom during rush hour- between the trains being packed with people, the poorly trained (get it?) drivers, and the 100 year old tracks, it is inevitable that you will be grinding up against people you normally wouldn’t want to look at from down the street at night. With this much friction going on it is very possible for you to impregnate 3-5 (7-13 for black men) women during your ride, ending in child support lawsuits and lots of money spent on anti-crab shampoos and conditioners.

11) Don’t eat food while riding the T- on a scale of how unclean something is, the T outweighs both shit and the juice at the bottom of a garbage can combined. Most people are too scared to even touch anything while on the T, never mind eating food their hands have touched; that shit is gross.

12) Don't point out the smell, we are all aware that the T stations smell worse than most public bathrooms, only point out the obvious bad smell of the stations if you also feel it necessary to inform people of when the sun comes up in the morning; it's an obvious fact so shut up about it already.

13) Don't bring luggage on the train during rush hour- You can clearly see that there is always more people outside the train than can fit in it, therefore your hair care products are not a priority. If people want to bring luggage on the train they should have to pay extra for the extra space they take up. Also, for those of you that bring backpacks on the train- when the train gets crowded take the backpack off and hold it, it’s really not difficult and it will save everyone around you from unhealthy levels of aggravation.

14) Reading the newspaper is acceptable only if certain precautions are taken. When reading the newspaper you must fold it up so it does not invade the space of those around you. When the paper is not folded it waves in front of the people sitting around you scratching at their nose and obstructing their vision; fold it or prepare to bandage your wounds with it.

15) No pets- animals can't manage to stay upright when they are sitting in cars, never mind when they are standing on trains that people can't handle staying upright on, leave the animals at home or they will be sacrificed accordingly.

16) Make sure that if you bring an umbrella on the T that all the water has been completely shaken off of it. People wearing their nicest cutoff jeans to work don't need you getting their legs wet. Failure to follow this rule will result in said umbrella being stuck up your ass, opened, closed, removed, and repeated until your ears bleed.

17) Don't step through people in order to look down the tunnel to see if the train is coming. Looking for the train does not increase the speed at which the train travels, nor does it get you any closer to the train. You an expect someone to throw you onto the tracks if you do this, because you're a jerk off, and from the tracks you will have an even better view of the tunnel to see when the train is coming to smash your body into oblivion.

18) Don't do sodoku puzzles on the train- nobody thinks you're any smarter because they see you doing those, if you really were smarter you wouldn’t be riding the T, asshole.

19) While holding onto the bar that goes above where everyone sits, don't unnecessarily flex your arms while you are holding it, for doing so tells the other passengers on the train two things about you: 1- you have nothing else to do but worry about what people on the train think of you; 2- you have no dick.

20) While on the escalator, don't push people aside so you can walk while you're on the escalator. Escalators were invented because human beings, as a whole, were sick of having to walk up fucking stairs. Now that we have a seemingly perfect system in which some people can take the stairs, while others can take escalator, you have to go and fuck it all up by walking up the escalator. If you are caught doing this, once you reach the top of the escalator your bottom lip will be fed into the area where the escalator ends.

Hopefully this list will help those too dumb to realize what they are doing on the T to stop, while it will also help those from out of town to fit in better. And also remember, don't trust minorities on the T, but don't trust majorities either.