The Taming of the Doo

For the first time in roughly 12 months I got a haircut, and not just my usual "it's time you trimmed that mop" haircut, but an 8 inches of hair on the floor #3 buzzer style haircut. This was a major step for me, I haven't full on buzzed my head since I was probably 11 (when it hit me that the day had finally come when bowl cut was becoming unfashionable- a sad, sad day to say the least) and havent even had what you would consider short hair since I was 15. Basically, hockey hair came into style and I jumped on that band wagon faster than Rosie O'donnel jumped on Dr. Christian Troy. At first I wasn't sure if I had made a mistake by cutting off my luscious locks, but now I am coming to realize the truely magnificent advantages of having short hair.
Let's start with the most obvious reason- aerodynamics. With my head shaved I am much more aerodynamic and without the drag of my hair flapping in the breeze I am one step closer to running a 4 minute mile (eventhough I don't think I could break a 10 minute mile, skaters don't make good runners, very different leg motions). This also helps in swimming races, specifically drunken swimming races through Boston's reflection pool (which I haven't actually done yet, perhaps I subconsciously knew long hair would hold back my lap time). Also, the opportunity to have my roomates wake up hung over and late for work, and find that the bathtub is full of my hair had to be taken advantage of. It's not everyday you can fill you friend's bathtub with something so perfect in its difficulty to clean up, but also won't do harm to the tub (it looked like a possum exploded in our tub, my proudest moment.) Not only did doing this help me mess with my friends groomings habbits, it also affected mine, before this change in hair styles, I had 3 reasons to take a shower:
1) My body stinks
2) My face is oily
3) My hair will look rediculous all day unless it gets completely wet and is styled afterward (despite this it looks rediculous half the time anyway).
Now that my hair is half an inch long, i can eliminate reason #3, leaving me with just two reasons to take a shower, and only two reasons to do something is not very convincing. This leaves me just needing to bump off one more reason so i can eliminate daily showers, which would mean an extra 7300 hours of sleep in my lifetime (assuming I'll live to be 80). Also, I am aware that if I was an Axe-guy I would have eliminated reason #1 a long time ago, but I don't like Axe Body Spray or any of its ingredients, so that's right out. Also, the feeling of the shower directly hitting my scalp for the first time in 9 years is truely amazing, believe it.
Not long after I buzzed al my hair off, I realized something lately about myself: people walking down the street don't have any reason to think I'm a neo-Nazi. Not that I support neo-Nazism, or want to be associated with it, I just like the idea that people may be thinking "hey, I wonder if that guy's a neo-Nazi." As far as I'm concerned shaved head means the definite possbility of neo-Nazi. I don't understand why neo-Nazis even started shaving their heads, its not like the Jews are known for their long hair and by shaving their heads it they are showing their dislike of Jews. (Side note: when did regular Nazism become so unpopular in the wackjob population that it needed it to be reborn into neo-Nazism? I would take the side of a regular Nazi over a neo-Nazi any day of the week, at least he sticks to his guns. I bet if a neo-Nazi was having legal trouble he would flip-flop in a heartbeat to hire a Jewish Lawyer for a flawless victory.)
Now that I don't have to worry about styling my head, my comb, gel, and hair dryer (yes, I'm publically admitting I own a hair dryer) have taken a leave of absense. With my hair being a natural mop in the truest sense of the word, it took a lot of time, effort, and product to make it look acceptable (unless I was wearing a hat). The amount of torment I got for owning a hair dryer was quite amazing, but from the time I bought it until the other day I lost every argument that involved making fun of someone because it always ended with "you own a hairdryer," followed by silence, followed by laughter, followed by my hanging my head in shame. These days I'm back in contention for ranking on my friends. (The new standard comeback in my home now that the hairdryer is gone is "you brought a flask full of Malibu to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert," because my friend Rob did indeed bring a flask full of Malibu to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert- weak).
Another great side effect of having a shaved head is the whole new class of celebrities I hope to be associated with. Instead of having longer hair and being associated with the Patrick Dempsey from Grey's Anatomy (who also did the voice of the pirahna plant in the Super Mario Bros. cartoon- IMDB fun fact) because we have the same hair, I now feel that I'm in the same Shaved-Head-Club as Jack from Lost. Which would you rather be in the same club as? the cutesy haired doctor or the shaved headed badass doctor who runs an island and beats the crap out of his alcoholic father? the answer simple: Jack's the man (and for the record, F- Sawyer).
And finally, wind, rain, and humidity ain't got shit on me. I no longer have to worry about how these things are going to affect how I look, the slightest bit of weather, even a change in the humidity, can turn hair like mine into the mess of a lifetime. Once one of these starts getting into my hair its badnews for anyone that has to look at me- if i shoved a stick up my rear you would mistake me for a mop, and it wouldn't be the first time. Not having hair gives me freedom to not worry about weather conditions messin up my doo, except for the cold. I'd like to thank my Mom for responding to my telling her I buzzed it with the response, "Why would you do that right before winter?" I have to admit she's right, very poor timing. I guess I should also mention my Dad's reaction, which transpired like this:
"Why the hell would you do that?"
"What? it looks good."
"No it doesn't."
This is the same guy that kept telling me my hair was too long, I can't win.

All in all, I'm pleased with how I feel after my lifestyle change, I feel like a born-again Christian. I fully admit that I was missing out on what its like to not have much hair, and life has only gotten better since this happened to me.