The Taming of the Doo

For the first time in roughly 12 months I got a haircut, and not just my usual "it's time you trimmed that mop" haircut, but an 8 inches of hair on the floor #3 buzzer style haircut. This was a major step for me, I haven't full on buzzed my head since I was probably 11 (when it hit me that the day had finally come when bowl cut was becoming unfashionable- a sad, sad day to say the least) and havent even had what you would consider short hair since I was 15. Basically, hockey hair came into style and I jumped on that band wagon faster than Rosie O'donnel jumped on Dr. Christian Troy. At first I wasn't sure if I had made a mistake by cutting off my luscious locks, but now I am coming to realize the truely magnificent advantages of having short hair.
Let's start with the most obvious reason- aerodynamics. With my head shaved I am much more aerodynamic and without the drag of my hair flapping in the breeze I am one step closer to running a 4 minute mile (eventhough I don't think I could break a 10 minute mile, skaters don't make good runners, very different leg motions). This also helps in swimming races, specifically drunken swimming races through Boston's reflection pool (which I haven't actually done yet, perhaps I subconsciously knew long hair would hold back my lap time). Also, the opportunity to have my roomates wake up hung over and late for work, and find that the bathtub is full of my hair had to be taken advantage of. It's not everyday you can fill you friend's bathtub with something so perfect in its difficulty to clean up, but also won't do harm to the tub (it looked like a possum exploded in our tub, my proudest moment.) Not only did doing this help me mess with my friends groomings habbits, it also affected mine, before this change in hair styles, I had 3 reasons to take a shower:
1) My body stinks
2) My face is oily
3) My hair will look rediculous all day unless it gets completely wet and is styled afterward (despite this it looks rediculous half the time anyway).
Now that my hair is half an inch long, i can eliminate reason #3, leaving me with just two reasons to take a shower, and only two reasons to do something is not very convincing. This leaves me just needing to bump off one more reason so i can eliminate daily showers, which would mean an extra 7300 hours of sleep in my lifetime (assuming I'll live to be 80). Also, I am aware that if I was an Axe-guy I would have eliminated reason #1 a long time ago, but I don't like Axe Body Spray or any of its ingredients, so that's right out. Also, the feeling of the shower directly hitting my scalp for the first time in 9 years is truely amazing, believe it.
Not long after I buzzed al my hair off, I realized something lately about myself: people walking down the street don't have any reason to think I'm a neo-Nazi. Not that I support neo-Nazism, or want to be associated with it, I just like the idea that people may be thinking "hey, I wonder if that guy's a neo-Nazi." As far as I'm concerned shaved head means the definite possbility of neo-Nazi. I don't understand why neo-Nazis even started shaving their heads, its not like the Jews are known for their long hair and by shaving their heads it they are showing their dislike of Jews. (Side note: when did regular Nazism become so unpopular in the wackjob population that it needed it to be reborn into neo-Nazism? I would take the side of a regular Nazi over a neo-Nazi any day of the week, at least he sticks to his guns. I bet if a neo-Nazi was having legal trouble he would flip-flop in a heartbeat to hire a Jewish Lawyer for a flawless victory.)
Now that I don't have to worry about styling my head, my comb, gel, and hair dryer (yes, I'm publically admitting I own a hair dryer) have taken a leave of absense. With my hair being a natural mop in the truest sense of the word, it took a lot of time, effort, and product to make it look acceptable (unless I was wearing a hat). The amount of torment I got for owning a hair dryer was quite amazing, but from the time I bought it until the other day I lost every argument that involved making fun of someone because it always ended with "you own a hairdryer," followed by silence, followed by laughter, followed by my hanging my head in shame. These days I'm back in contention for ranking on my friends. (The new standard comeback in my home now that the hairdryer is gone is "you brought a flask full of Malibu to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert," because my friend Rob did indeed bring a flask full of Malibu to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert- weak).
Another great side effect of having a shaved head is the whole new class of celebrities I hope to be associated with. Instead of having longer hair and being associated with the Patrick Dempsey from Grey's Anatomy (who also did the voice of the pirahna plant in the Super Mario Bros. cartoon- IMDB fun fact) because we have the same hair, I now feel that I'm in the same Shaved-Head-Club as Jack from Lost. Which would you rather be in the same club as? the cutesy haired doctor or the shaved headed badass doctor who runs an island and beats the crap out of his alcoholic father? the answer simple: Jack's the man (and for the record, F- Sawyer).
And finally, wind, rain, and humidity ain't got shit on me. I no longer have to worry about how these things are going to affect how I look, the slightest bit of weather, even a change in the humidity, can turn hair like mine into the mess of a lifetime. Once one of these starts getting into my hair its badnews for anyone that has to look at me- if i shoved a stick up my rear you would mistake me for a mop, and it wouldn't be the first time. Not having hair gives me freedom to not worry about weather conditions messin up my doo, except for the cold. I'd like to thank my Mom for responding to my telling her I buzzed it with the response, "Why would you do that right before winter?" I have to admit she's right, very poor timing. I guess I should also mention my Dad's reaction, which transpired like this:
"Why the hell would you do that?"
"What? it looks good."
"No it doesn't."
This is the same guy that kept telling me my hair was too long, I can't win.

All in all, I'm pleased with how I feel after my lifestyle change, I feel like a born-again Christian. I fully admit that I was missing out on what its like to not have much hair, and life has only gotten better since this happened to me.

Blue Vs. White

Very recently I made the move from the blue collar world of roof
construction to the white collar (or free spirited no collar) world of
advertising. Obviously there are many differences between these two
types of jobs, from the office environment to the types of people
that are your coworkers. If you plan on making the jump from the blue
collar world to the white collar world, the transition can go smoothly,
but there are several differences between the two you should keep in
mind.

When I made the move into an office, the first thing I
noticed was the permanent availability of a bathroom. Most people get
a job in an office and think to themselves, “ok, the bathroom is over
there,” while my reaction was more along the lines of, “holy crap,
there’s a bathroom there whenever I need it… AND IT’S CLEAN.” The joy I was overcome with
after 4 years of working in jobsites where the best-case scenario for a
bathroom was a porta-john is indescribable (although I’m going to
describe it, and have already begun to do so by using the word
indescribable to describe it). No more having to plan out my diet
according to where I was going to be working that day, no more having
to run to the nearest gas station; I was finally able to be like every
other civilized human being in using a bathroom whenever I need to, and
without having to put on a hazmat suit in order to do so. I was as
happy as a priest in Discovery Zone; so far my transition was going
well.

After I had calmed down from the excitement about the bathroom I
realized another amazing, yet obvious difference: climate control. It
finally hit me that I would no longer be subject to spending all day,
every day in this lovely temperate New England climate. There’s
something to be said for having to dress for the job and not for the
weather: if you dress wrong for the job your boss says something; if
you dress wrong for the weather you get the flu. When you’re outside
there are some days when you rip our pants and you get excited to let
some of the steam out, there are other days when you have to wrap a
sock around your huevos in order them attached to your body. When
you’re in an office there are some days when you simply just need a
sweater. One downfall to not working outside is I can work in the rain
when when there's a roof over me. Rain while on the roof = vacation day. My theory
on rain-outs as a roofer was that if my boss can’t find work for me
when it rains, I’m taking the next two nice days off. It’s a great
system, for me at least. Another plus to being out of the weather
is that I can finally enjoy the beach again. For some reason
after spending 8 hours a day on a scorching roof, come the weekend I didn’t feel much
like sitting on the hot beach.

There are also certain characteristics that are necessary for one job,
and not the other, a major one being self motivation. In an office I
have my own little area with a computer and full access to the
internet, needless to say it is not easy to sit there and actually do
work (when I could be writing this!). When you’re on a roof there’s
not much to do up there, besides wok on the roof. Also, there aren’t
many places to hide on a roof and there’s always someone ready to curse
at you when you’re not working. But in an office if it’s really necessary
you can find someplace to hide in a Costanza-esque fashion. Another
characteristic necessary for being in an office is self control.
There’s a certain demeanor people expect in an office, one that it
polite and considerate of others. On a roof cursing, yelling, and being
downright mean are all commonplace and expected. A necessary survival
tool for working on a roof is being able shit talk better
than they can shit talk you.

Some people say that work is work and you’re never going to like it,
but when you’re sitting in an air conditioned office instead of 120
degree roof covered with tar you realize that some jobs are better than
others. Paper cuts are bad, box cutter wounds are worse; I’ll take my
chances with the paper.