The MBTA Crisis: Averted

With nothing to do on this Sunday afternoon, I’ve decided to kick start the blog by solving the Commonwealth of Massachusetts’ public transportation crisis. Those that live in the Boston area are well aware that the MBTA is $52 billion in debt, has a gap in next year’s budget of $160 million, they are “poised to eliminate every commuter boat, all commuter rail service on evenings and weekends, and many suburban bus routes, while cutting in half bus and subway service on evenings and weekends.” This quote is from a terrific article ( ) detailing what’s wrong with the MBTA, why the MBTA itself is so important, and director of the Metropolitan Area Planning Council, Marc Draisen’s half shitty, half non-existent plans for fixing those problems.

Here’s my solution to the problem: just sell the fucking thing. It may seem a little too simple or way too drastic, but it would work.

If the MBTA is sold tomorrow there’s two reasons right off the bat why everyone in the state feels better about their lives (unless you work for the MBTA, ouch.): You never have to worry about it again. Ever. Doesn’t it feel great. Think of the arguments, and the worry, and the long winded articles about how to fix it (or poorly written blogs!) that you’ll never have to bother with again. Also, remember that sales tax increase last month? Gone! No longer needed to close the r-tarded budget gap! So already you can argue less, read more interesting things, and you have more money in your pocket.

This plan begs the obvious question: if the MBTA is so fucked up that we’re never going to fix it and it’s never going to make any money, why would anyone want to buy it? Because it’s a gold mine that literally has no competition. Let us assume for a moment that I have lots of money and bought the whole thing right now. You wake up and all the MBTA signs now say MFT- Mike’s Fucking Trains.

Now I just spent a lot of money to acquire Mike’s Fucking Trains, money that should go back into schools and other fun things for the state. My first order of business after buying Mike’s Fucking Trains? I’m calling NASA, and GE, and the top 10 engineers and anyone who knows about trains and busses on the planet, buying out their contracts and tripling their salaries. I sit down with them and say, “Gentlemen, when this is fixed you will get paid, and you will get paid a whole lot.” I have a feeling they will come up with a better plan than the current one, “called ‘MetroFuture,’ (and) was constructed with input from more than 5,000 residents and regional leaders.” I don’t want 5,000 people planning anything. There’s not 5,000 people in the world smart enough to fix a dying transportation system, never mind in our tiny state. So they come up with a plan that will actually work, and I take all the credit by calling it Mike’s Fucking Plans for Mike’s Fucking Trains.

Next, we build, and we change, and we fix until I’m just about out of (imaginary) money. I’m probably living in my parent’s basement (still), but finally MFT is rolled out and it works great. How do I know it will work great? Because I’m not going to spend all that money on it just to have it not work. It will be awesome.

What happens when the transportation system is awesome? When the trains a always on time? More people will ride it. When more people ride it, more trains can be rolled out. And more people will ride it. Less cars on the highways means less of a commute for those that still want to drive. Less cars, less fumes (see, I even made the hippies happy!). And in the end everyone is happy, including me because I’m filthy fucking rich again.

Does no one see how ass backwards it is to try and fix the MBTA by making it less available, and harder for people to use? Take people that work nights and weekends. When that service is cut, they have to go out and buy cars to get to work. Goodbye customers. At the end of the day, you need to spend money to make money. A lot of money has been spent on the MBTA and it’s got us nowhere recently. Just sell it. I promise you there’s some rich guy out there who wants to be even more rich, as badly as I want to get to work on time.