Am I Writing About Celebrity Gossip? This Can't Be Good

In my previous life I used to avoid celebrity tabloid gossip at all costs, and I still do for the most part. Reading about celebrities regular people problems just doesn't seem entertaining to me. But, even I can't resist keeping up on all the goings on between Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. My caring about them actually started when K-fed first appeared on WWE's Monday Night Raw as a friend of Johnny Nitro and had his album plugged by King Bookaahhhhh. Subsequently, The Marine himself, John Cena, gave K-fed his signature move the F-U. The next day at work I was told (because most people I work with are aware of my man-crush on Cena) that there was a writeup about Federline being F-U'ed in the tabloids. Of course I read it and from that point on, I was hooked.
After several more appearances on RAW, the next major happening between Britney and K-fed was their infamous divorce, a moment in which Britney Spears single handedly gained my respect back and also threw K-fed into a deep hole and filled it with cement. My entire life I had grown up to think that there was nothing more humiliating than breaking up with a person via instant message. I would have bet rent money that there was no worse way to embarrass somebody. But, ingeniously (first time that word's been used in a sentence with Britney's name in it?), Britney blew the Instant Message Breakup out of the water with the first recorded Text Message Divorce. It's so beautiful and perfect, nobody saw such an evil act coming from her. After stabbing K-fed in the back, Spears also kicks him and the balls and shoots him in the face (possibly inadvertently). The kick in the balls was that the tabloids managed to get hold of what Britney actually wrote in the message, "I Wnt 2 Dvrce U". Breathtaking words. Some thought Elaine Benes not wanting to waste exclamation points on a baby being born was bad, so how does K-fed feel about Britney not wanting to waste vowels on him? That is surely and uber-kick in the nuts. The final shot in K-fed's face was the fact that she sent him this text message while he was being filmed for a reality show, after he had just finished talking for 14 hours about how Britney was his biggest (and only) fan. Only adding to this is that the video got onto youtube, with 3/4 of the world's population watching it over one weekend. Once again, I would have bet my rent money that there would be NO saving of what little face K-fed had to begin with.

(Final note on the divorce: I hope in the settlement Britney keeps the treadmill.)

K-fed Strikes Back- Once again, my rent money would be gone, this time in K-fed's pocket (and we all know he could use it). Britney has just given K-fed the uppercut from hell, and somehow as K-fed is falling to the mat, he manages to bury Britney with a mean right hook: the promise of the release of their sex tape. That right, I was in 7th grade when the idea of Britney Spears naked popped into my head and here I am eight years later and it's finally happening. Not only is it happening, but K-fed reports that he has four hours worth of video to sell, and has reportedly been offered $26,000,000 for it. As much as I used to love the idea of Kevin Federline unable to pay his bills, the sex tape idea is growing on me. We can hope for three things to happen with this video:
1) It actually comes out
2) The first 2 hours are Britney before she was Fat Britney (for obvious reasons) and the second half is Fat Britney (for humorous reasons).
3) Federline is holding the camera the entire time (again, for obvious reasons).
What gives this video such amazing possibilities is not merely its coming out, but that K-fed has legitimate reasons for wanting this video released meaning it will be in its entirety and best quality (I better not see any night vision). The main reason that he wants it released is that its the only other way he's ever going receive a check that doesn't say Burger King at the top is if he is awarded custody of their children, and chances are those children will be confiscated from the both of them and given to Angelina Jolie and Madonna (although, I bet most people would rather see those kids with Michael Jackson than either of their real parents).

This video coming out is throwing off what I predicted would happen to Britney Spears; that she would fall into obscurity (which she was on her way to doing) then eventually do Playboy right when most people could barely even stand to look at her. This was supposed to happen after she and K-fed divorced, whereupon her new album came out and sold 8 copies. Then, when she realizes she's broke, she finally does Playboy. This alternate reality we are in where there's a possibility of seeing her naked while she was still attractive is not supposed to happen. This video being released will have repercussions, and pending the release of this video here are several sociological trends that I foresee happening:
1) Sales of Kevin Federline's new CD Playing With Fire going up. If this video comes out there are many people that will buy K-fed's CD and throw it in the trash while still in the store, under the logic that he does deserve more of their money for releasing the video, and I'm not arguing with these people.
2) Sales of Britney Spears' concert tickets going down. Middle aged men across America were formerly willing to take their daughters to a Britney Spears concert, and you can't blame them. A concert hall filled with girls that are under aged/dressed, and several wayy under dressed dancers with one wayy under dressed singer = guaranteed sideboob, with definite possibilities of nipple-splippage. Now middle aged men only need to pay $20 for the DVD once instead of paying $75 (at least) for himself and each one of his daughters, plus the price of binoculars.
3) The suicide rate going down. With the possibility of a Britney Spears sex video looming about, every suicidal man/teenager in America is thinking "OK, maybe I'll hold off for a few weeks and see what happens."

Now that I've taken the time to write all these words about a Britney Spears sex tape and got everyone excited about it... it's not going to happen. It's obvious that K-fed wants to get back at Britney, but knowing K-fed as little as any of us care to, I would bet my rent that one thing he likes more than revenge... is money (something Britney still has a bit of).